He Knows Us

I work with a blind woman. I have friends who have struggled with infertility for years. I have friends who will never conceive children of their own. I have friends who have lost a spouse, a child, or other close family members. I have friends whose parents are not supportive of the good decisions they are making in their lives. Life is hard. We are all given individual trials and heartache in this life. Some are very outward trials, such as a physical disability. Others are very private struggles. Some trials can be labeled as "big" or "small". No matter what your trials at the time, whether big or small, physical or emotional, outward or private, they are never insignificant to the Lord. He knows us. He knows how to push us to our limits in order to make us stronger and to help us to become the best that we can. And he sends us angels along the way, in the form of friends, to give us a hug, or a shoulder to cry on, or a listening ear when we need it. But when all else fails, He will never fail us. He is always there to listen and to really understand.

It's a...

When I was pregnant with Caleb they had a hard time seeing much of anything without amniotic fluid, so we were never sure of the gender, although eventually they did "guess" that it was a boy. All along I had thought it was a boy, anyway. I loved having older brothers (maybe not when I was little, but as I've gotten older I've appreciated it more), and I thought our kids should have an older brother, so I thought it was a boy.

When I was pregnant with Kylie, neither Steve or I were ready to have another boy. We wanted a girl, and we were pretty sure we would get one--and we did!

This third pregnancy has been hard because I haven't felt either way about gender. A few months ago when we told Kylie about the baby, we asked her if she wanted a baby brother or a baby sister. Her immediate response was "baby brother". Later she switched to baby sister and since then it's gone back and forth depending on the day. I mention this because it was Kylie's first response that made me stop and think. Was I ready to have a baby boy? Later I watched Kylie play with one of the neighbor boys and realized that I would be okay with it. A brother would be fun for Kylie, and I thought I was ready.
Over the last few days Steve has been telling me that he thinks it is a boy.

Today, we had our 20 week ultra sound.






The result: a perfectly healthy baby GIRL!!!

I think the staff at the hospital was all wondering why we were so mellow and not more excited about everything. We were just so relieved to see that she was okay. We'll celebrate later. That time was just to soak up the realization of another healthy baby. We didn't really care what the gender was (although I really couldn't wait to find out!). We're just so happy that she's growing and healthy.

20 week ultrasound: Excitement or Dread?

Next week is our big 20 week ultrasound. Am I excited? Of course. I get to SEE the little squirmball that I feel moving and growing inside of me. I get to find out the gender of my baby (as long as said squirmball cooperates). Despite the growing excitement, I have other feelings that aren't as easy to summarize into one word. No, I wouldn't call it dread, maybe just anxiety. Our 20 week ultra sound was the first time that we found out something was wrong during our first pregnancy. We went in with pure excitement and came out empty-hearted and full of questions. Do I think that will happen this time? No, I don't. In fact, we had a first trimester screen that vanquished that fear (or at least should have). Pregnancy is just hard. There are so many emotions and hormones--so many ups and downs. This is just our next hurdle to cross.

What Could Have Been's

After three and a half years I still miss Caleb every day, but I don't mourn his loss like I used to. What I mourn more now are the "what could have been's".

Each day I find joy in watching the new things that my daughter is learning to do or the new phrases that she comes up with. I love it. But yet, it makes me sad. Sad because I don't get to watch Caleb grow up yet, and to see how his personality would differ. I see Kylie interact with other kids, particularly a neighbor boy who is just a month younger than Caleb would have been. Kylie absolutely adores this boy. She loves to do what he's doing and follow him around everywhere. Every time I see them together I can't help but think of how much she would have adored her older brother.

I miss watching Caleb grow up.
I miss watching my kids grow up together.

Baby #3

We're expecting baby number three. Sadly, many of the people in my life only know it as baby number two--from co-workers I never bothered to tell, to friends I've met on the playground who simply assume Kylie is our only child, to some I may have mentioned Caleb to but have forgotten, to random people I see wherever I go.

I'm a very private sort of person. I generally keep to myself. I'm content to watch and listen rather than be the entertainer in most situations. Of course if people directly ask me then I will gladly tell them about our special baby #1, but most people don't. Most people just assume this is our second child, and why would they have any cause to think differently?

It makes me sad anytime anyone says something about "baby number two". But yet, why can't I be more open in talking about Caleb? I'm proud of my son. He was such a trooper. He went through a lot, but never complained about any of it (except for his hiccups). He really did have a special spirit about him and I know he is a valiant follower of our Heavenly Father who is doing a lot of good right now.

When I was pregnant with Kylie I think I needed others to have the naive excitement for me, because I couldn't have it for myself. I was too worried and never fully relaxed until I had my sweet, healthy, baby girl in my arms. Others (particularly those at work) who thought it was my first baby were often times a good distraction from reality. I couldn't ruin their excitement by telling them the truth then, could I?

And now it just feels too late. At times I feel like I'm living a lie because I haven't allowed others to get to the know the real me. The mother of three--one who has passed onto the next life, one here with me, and one on the way.

Mourn with those that mourn

For those of you who were wondering, the crash did come after Caleb's birthday. I was fine on Saturday (his birthday) and fine on Sunday (we were busy with church, visits, and dinner at a friend's house), but come Monday when Kylie and I were home by ourselves with not a whole lot to do, I crashed. Those days still happen every now and then. It's not every day any more like it used to be. Or every Wednesday like it was for awhile. Or every 19th day of the month. But every now and then I get thinking too much and I have a hard day.

On this particular day, I was most grateful for a friend who called because she thought I might need a boost. Her call couldn't have come at a better time. She simply asked how I was doing and I started to cry. I knew she really cared, that she wasn't just asking to hear an automated "good" response or calling because she felt obligated--she really cared. It meant a lot. Not only did she call, but she listened. She simply let me cry (and cried a little with me). It wasn't one of those times where the subject is quickly changed because it's hard to talk about or because they're embarrassed because you're crying. She simply was "willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea and comfort those that stand in need of comfort" (Mosiah 18:9).

Of course, this didn't solve all of my problems. The rest of the day was still really hard for me, but I was buoyed up by a friend, and for that I was and am grateful.

The Big 3

We decided to celebrate Caleb's third birthday with a dinner with a few friends.
We added the two leaves to our table and filled up our living room. We had 10 adults and 5 kids.


I made a couple of fruit displays:


Steve made some amazing bread bowls:


And some DELICIOUS soups!

I made a spinach, cranberry, pecan salad:



Here is the set-up:


And I made a dinosaur cake. It started off a little bumpy, but ended up turning out great!


We ate dinner and cake.

Then we sat around and talked for awhile.
While the kids played in the back.


We also looked through Caleb's books, and everyone went home with a dinosaur.

It really was a nice day. It was something to look forward to, and it turned out great.

Birthday to come

This year we're planning on actually having a birthday party for Caleb's third birthday. Okay, so it's mostly just going to be a birthday dinner with a few friends, but I'm getting excited about it. I've been looking at ideas online and found something that I think will be perfect for the cake!

You can find it at this URL:
http://www.instructables.com/id/3d-Dinosaur-Birthday-Cake/
The link wasn't working, so you'll have to copy and paste.

I also want to make one of those edible floral arrangements as part of the meal. You know where you have different fruits on skewers--cantaloupe, honey dew, strawberries, grapes and the pineapple cut into the shape of a flower.

We'll see how everything turns out!

Saddened joy

Why is it so hard to simply enjoy something that should be a happy occasion? Recently I attended the baptism of a boy whose father passed away about a year ago. The baptism is a very special time for members of our church and the ordinance is often performed by the father. Of course there was a family friend there to perform the ordinance, but it made me think of the sadness behind the joy--that his dad wasn't there for his special occasion.

Of course, at times like these I always think of the opportunities that I am missing with Caleb. I find SO much JOY in watching my daughter each day. To see her facial expressions, to see her soak up knowledge, to realize the little quirks that she has already developed, to see her milestones and new accomplishments...the list could go on and on. I love it! But I'm sad that I haven't got to see Caleb going through these same things, and even more sad that I don't get to see the two of them interact with each other--to watch them grow up together, to see them being best friends one second and enemies the next, to see them learn from each other.

However, it does help me to appreciate my daughter more, especially when I'm running out of patience or we've had a rough day.

"Deliver you out of bondage"

Scripture for the day:
Mosiah 7:33 "But if ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in Him, and serve Him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, He will, according to His own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage."

Now I just need to figure out exactly what these phrases mean...Any thoughts?

Stepping it Up

I started this blog nearly a year ago. I wanted to have a place that honored my son, and that could potentially help others. It was extremely hard emotionally to write "our story". It was like reliving those memories all over again. I only wrote a little and then lost all motivation.

Recently I've been reading comments from other women who have suffered the loss of a child. It has brought me strength to see how they are coping and how they are reaching out to others. So I started working on the blog again with renewed determination. I've made it farther this time, and I'm still going. :)

I also went back and read some of my own journal entries about our experiences mostly in the couple of months after Caleb was born. It was hard--there were a lot of little pains along the way that somehow I had blocked from my memory. But at the same time, I received strength from reading those memories and seeing the strength that I had back then when life was even harder.

I feel like for the past couple of years, I have been kind of in a "woe-is-me" attitude. It's not like I don't recognize that others have trials of their own. I do--I really do. I think that at times I've even more sensitive to those hardships--no matter how big or small they may be. But I think I've just hung onto a lot of pain and grief for too long. Of course it's never going to go away, a piece of my heart was taken that cannot be replaced, but there are some things that I can do to help the healing.

From reading through my journal, I realized that I had been given a Priesthood blessing shortly after Caleb was born that said that as I reach out to others my own heart will heal.

It has been a slow process and will continue to be, but I am determined to try harder. To become more involved. To be more willing to tell people about ALL of my children. To trust in the Lord and allow Him to heal my heart.