Flash Backs

With each milestone that we've hit with this pregnancy, I can't help but think back to my other children and compare similarities and differences.  As I look forward to the birth of our third child, I think back to Caleb's birth story. A pregnant woman already has so many hormones that can effect moods so quickly, add on top of that thinking back to all the emotions that I had when our first son was born...some days I'm just overwhelmed with emotions. 

Yet as I think about it, the emotion that stands above the rest right now is simply gratitude.  I'm so grateful that I can have children, and that I've been able to have the first two naturally (no C-sections). 

I'm so grateful for the time that we had with Caleb.  I got to know him a little bit while he was inside of me, but it was so amazing for him to be able to meet his Daddy, and both of his grandmas.  It was such a precious time for each of us to hold him and enjoy him while he was here. 

I'm grateful for Kylie and the past 2 1/2 years that we've had to raise her, and the hope of many more years to come.  She is such a joy!  She has helped me to realize a lot more what motherhood really means. 

I'm grateful for our next little girl on the way.  I can already tell that she's going to be just as feisty as her big sister.

I'm grateful for a supportive husband who allows me to ride my roller coaster with all of its ups and downs, and to figure out some things for myself.  He is always willing to listen and to offer a hug when needed.  He is also good at toning down some of the crazy emotions and adding a little bit of reason into my emotional thinking.  :)

Above all, I'm grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ and for a loving Heavenly Father.  He has a plan for each of us.  Our Savior has made it possible for all of us to rise from the dead and to be reunited with our families.  I truly look forward to that reunion.  I look forward to introducing Kylie and her sister to their big brother, Caleb. 

It's a...

When I was pregnant with Caleb they had a hard time seeing much of anything without amniotic fluid, so we were never sure of the gender, although eventually they did "guess" that it was a boy. All along I had thought it was a boy, anyway. I loved having older brothers (maybe not when I was little, but as I've gotten older I've appreciated it more), and I thought our kids should have an older brother, so I thought it was a boy.

When I was pregnant with Kylie, neither Steve or I were ready to have another boy. We wanted a girl, and we were pretty sure we would get one--and we did!

This third pregnancy has been hard because I haven't felt either way about gender. A few months ago when we told Kylie about the baby, we asked her if she wanted a baby brother or a baby sister. Her immediate response was "baby brother". Later she switched to baby sister and since then it's gone back and forth depending on the day. I mention this because it was Kylie's first response that made me stop and think. Was I ready to have a baby boy? Later I watched Kylie play with one of the neighbor boys and realized that I would be okay with it. A brother would be fun for Kylie, and I thought I was ready.
Over the last few days Steve has been telling me that he thinks it is a boy.

Today, we had our 20 week ultra sound.






The result: a perfectly healthy baby GIRL!!!

I think the staff at the hospital was all wondering why we were so mellow and not more excited about everything. We were just so relieved to see that she was okay. We'll celebrate later. That time was just to soak up the realization of another healthy baby. We didn't really care what the gender was (although I really couldn't wait to find out!). We're just so happy that she's growing and healthy.

Baby #3

We're expecting baby number three. Sadly, many of the people in my life only know it as baby number two--from co-workers I never bothered to tell, to friends I've met on the playground who simply assume Kylie is our only child, to some I may have mentioned Caleb to but have forgotten, to random people I see wherever I go.

I'm a very private sort of person. I generally keep to myself. I'm content to watch and listen rather than be the entertainer in most situations. Of course if people directly ask me then I will gladly tell them about our special baby #1, but most people don't. Most people just assume this is our second child, and why would they have any cause to think differently?

It makes me sad anytime anyone says something about "baby number two". But yet, why can't I be more open in talking about Caleb? I'm proud of my son. He was such a trooper. He went through a lot, but never complained about any of it (except for his hiccups). He really did have a special spirit about him and I know he is a valiant follower of our Heavenly Father who is doing a lot of good right now.

When I was pregnant with Kylie I think I needed others to have the naive excitement for me, because I couldn't have it for myself. I was too worried and never fully relaxed until I had my sweet, healthy, baby girl in my arms. Others (particularly those at work) who thought it was my first baby were often times a good distraction from reality. I couldn't ruin their excitement by telling them the truth then, could I?

And now it just feels too late. At times I feel like I'm living a lie because I haven't allowed others to get to the know the real me. The mother of three--one who has passed onto the next life, one here with me, and one on the way.