We're expecting baby number three. Sadly, many of the people in my life only know it as baby number two--from co-workers I never bothered to tell, to friends I've met on the playground who simply assume Kylie is our only child, to some I may have mentioned Caleb to but have forgotten, to random people I see wherever I go.
I'm a very private sort of person. I generally keep to myself. I'm content to watch and listen rather than be the entertainer in most situations. Of course if people directly ask me then I will gladly tell them about our special baby #1, but most people don't. Most people just assume this is our second child, and why would they have any cause to think differently?
It makes me sad anytime anyone says something about "baby number two". But yet, why can't I be more open in talking about Caleb? I'm proud of my son. He was such a trooper. He went through a lot, but never complained about any of it (except for his hiccups). He really did have a special spirit about him and I know he is a valiant follower of our Heavenly Father who is doing a lot of good right now.
When I was pregnant with Kylie I think I needed others to have the naive excitement for me, because I couldn't have it for myself. I was too worried and never fully relaxed until I had my sweet, healthy, baby girl in my arms. Others (particularly those at work) who thought it was my first baby were often times a good distraction from reality. I couldn't ruin their excitement by telling them the truth then, could I?
And now it just feels too late. At times I feel like I'm living a lie because I haven't allowed others to get to the know the real me. The mother of three--one who has passed onto the next life, one here with me, and one on the way.
