I started this blog nearly a year ago. I wanted to have a place that honored my son, and that could potentially help others. It was extremely hard emotionally to write "our story". It was like reliving those memories all over again. I only wrote a little and then lost all motivation.
Recently I've been reading comments from other women who have suffered the loss of a child. It has brought me strength to see how they are coping and how they are reaching out to others. So I started working on the blog again with renewed determination. I've made it farther this time, and I'm still going. :)
I also went back and read some of my own journal entries about our experiences mostly in the couple of months after Caleb was born. It was hard--there were a lot of little pains along the way that somehow I had blocked from my memory. But at the same time, I received strength from reading those memories and seeing the strength that I had back then when life was even harder.
I feel like for the past couple of years, I have been kind of in a "woe-is-me" attitude. It's not like I don't recognize that others have trials of their own. I do--I really do. I think that at times I've even more sensitive to those hardships--no matter how big or small they may be. But I think I've just hung onto a lot of pain and grief for too long. Of course it's never going to go away, a piece of my heart was taken that cannot be replaced, but there are some things that I can do to help the healing.
From reading through my journal, I realized that I had been given a Priesthood blessing shortly after Caleb was born that said that as I reach out to others my own heart will heal.
It has been a slow process and will continue to be, but I am determined to try harder. To become more involved. To be more willing to tell people about ALL of my children. To trust in the Lord and allow Him to heal my heart.
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