It's a boy

To many looking at our family of three girls, they may wonder why we aren't more excited by the idea of finally having a boy.  We had a boy.  Then we had three girls.  And now we are having a another boy.  Of course we're excited, but maybe not to the degree that others think we "should" be.

Even though we were told that Caleb's defects were because of "random occurrence" and that they are just as likely to happen to anyone as to happen to us again (which is very rare), after having three healthy girls, we have wondered if gender wasn't part of the problem.  Is is possible for us to have a healthy boy?

"It's a boy!" the ultrasound technician informed us at an appointment I had at 15 weeks.  The reason we found out so early is because I have been going in for extra ultrasounds because at 11 weeks I started bleeding.  While I don't have much external bleeding, there is still internal bleeding.  And as long as it is there, there is a higher chance of miscarriage and complications.  They say the baby is doing great and that the bleed is slowly getting smaller.  The hope is that it will be gone by my 20 week mark, and that everything with the baby looks good.

I try so hard to hold onto that hope and to my faith that everything will be okay, but it's so hard some days.  So hard.

The grief of sibling love

It's been awhile since I've had a good cry.  I don't often let myself think too much or I still end up in tears, even after nearly 7 years have gone by since Caleb was born.  Every now and then something will happen suddenly and I become overwhelmed with longing for my little boy.  Yesterday was one of those times.  It was simple, really, nothing out of the norm.  Steve and I were putting the girls to bed and Hazel (10 mo) just starting laughing at something silly Kylie (5 1/2 yr) was doing.  Kylie kept doing it and Hazel just laughed and laughed.  I loved seeing the pure delight on both of their faces!  I love it when the older girls give the baby attention because she absolutely loves it.  It is so much fun watching them together!
Later that night it just struck me how much I really have missed that with Caleb.  I can imagine the big brother that he would be -- willing to play board games, or read the same stories over and over to Shaelyn, helping Kylie feel more confident at school and a buddy to plan the next game or fort-building at home, helping get toys for Hazel or make her laugh with his silliness.  The dynamics in our family would certainly be different.  Right now Kylie and Shaelyn are best buds.  They miss each other when Kylie is at school.  Would Caleb and Kylie have been best buds?  Would Shaelyn have been left out?  Would Caleb have been left out as the only boy?  Would all three of them have played well together?  Would he...?  How would...?  What if..?  So many questions and no answers.  Questions that don't really matter because we will never know.  We will go through this life always wondering, but never being allowed the chance to know.

Despite all that, I can't help but mention the love that our Savior has.  I'm sure it wasn't coincidence that yesterday was also my turn to teach the sharing time lesson in Primary for the children at our church.  The lesson was on the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  As I bore a simple testimony of the reality of the Atonement and the truth that Jesus really does understand our pains and sorrows and can comfort us, and that he was willing to suffer because He loves us and wants us to return to be with Him--as I testified of these things the Spirit testified to me of the truthfulness of my own words.  It's true!  He loves us. He suffered for us.  The Spirit reminded me that I really do know these things.  And that's important because it brings me peace.  It makes what seems like unfairness in this world be okay in the end.  It will all be made right somehow.  I may not know how, but I have to trust that it will be.

The name

I've been neglecting this blog for awhile, and I guess that when I'm pregnant is when I think about it the most.  We are currently expecting our fourth baby, one day away from the due date.  This will be three healthy girls in a row, after Caleb.  It does make me wonder if it was a gender thing, and if we'll ever have a healthy baby boy.  Maybe time will tell, maybe not.
I really want to see this baby before I name her.  With the other kids, we basically had a name chosen beforehand.  I guess we have one in mind this time, as well, but I need to see her before I give an official okay.  When I was pregnant with Caleb, it was too hard to see the gender.  After a few months of multiple ultra sounds, one of the technicians gave a good solid guess of "a boy", but we never knew for sure.  So we picked out a  girl's name and a boy's name.  Steve has brought up the girl's name that we had chosen out for each of our babies since then.  I think I might finally say yes this time (although he doesn't know that yet).
Maybe it's simply because enough time has gone by that I'm okay using the name, but I'd like to think that it's more than that, that this baby may look more like Caleb or have a stronger connection to him or something.  Guess we'll find out, but first I have to meet her.

What I Miss Most

Our third child was born last week.  She has brought so much joy into our home.  It's helped me to realize (once again) what I miss most about not having Caleb around.  I miss seeing him interact with his sisters.  I'm sure he's watching out for them from up above, but there are times when I really want to have him here to be the big brother for his sisters.  It's still something I think about nearly every day. 

Our second daughter also reminds me more of him than our first daughter did.  She looks more like him.  Today I even noticed (however, faintly) a slight reddish tint to her hair.  Caleb's was kind of a strawberry blonde.  Hers is dark, but with the lighting just right, it looked ever so slightly red. 

Flash Backs

With each milestone that we've hit with this pregnancy, I can't help but think back to my other children and compare similarities and differences.  As I look forward to the birth of our third child, I think back to Caleb's birth story. A pregnant woman already has so many hormones that can effect moods so quickly, add on top of that thinking back to all the emotions that I had when our first son was born...some days I'm just overwhelmed with emotions. 

Yet as I think about it, the emotion that stands above the rest right now is simply gratitude.  I'm so grateful that I can have children, and that I've been able to have the first two naturally (no C-sections). 

I'm so grateful for the time that we had with Caleb.  I got to know him a little bit while he was inside of me, but it was so amazing for him to be able to meet his Daddy, and both of his grandmas.  It was such a precious time for each of us to hold him and enjoy him while he was here. 

I'm grateful for Kylie and the past 2 1/2 years that we've had to raise her, and the hope of many more years to come.  She is such a joy!  She has helped me to realize a lot more what motherhood really means. 

I'm grateful for our next little girl on the way.  I can already tell that she's going to be just as feisty as her big sister.

I'm grateful for a supportive husband who allows me to ride my roller coaster with all of its ups and downs, and to figure out some things for myself.  He is always willing to listen and to offer a hug when needed.  He is also good at toning down some of the crazy emotions and adding a little bit of reason into my emotional thinking.  :)

Above all, I'm grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ and for a loving Heavenly Father.  He has a plan for each of us.  Our Savior has made it possible for all of us to rise from the dead and to be reunited with our families.  I truly look forward to that reunion.  I look forward to introducing Kylie and her sister to their big brother, Caleb. 

He Knows Us

I work with a blind woman. I have friends who have struggled with infertility for years. I have friends who will never conceive children of their own. I have friends who have lost a spouse, a child, or other close family members. I have friends whose parents are not supportive of the good decisions they are making in their lives. Life is hard. We are all given individual trials and heartache in this life. Some are very outward trials, such as a physical disability. Others are very private struggles. Some trials can be labeled as "big" or "small". No matter what your trials at the time, whether big or small, physical or emotional, outward or private, they are never insignificant to the Lord. He knows us. He knows how to push us to our limits in order to make us stronger and to help us to become the best that we can. And he sends us angels along the way, in the form of friends, to give us a hug, or a shoulder to cry on, or a listening ear when we need it. But when all else fails, He will never fail us. He is always there to listen and to really understand.

It's a...

When I was pregnant with Caleb they had a hard time seeing much of anything without amniotic fluid, so we were never sure of the gender, although eventually they did "guess" that it was a boy. All along I had thought it was a boy, anyway. I loved having older brothers (maybe not when I was little, but as I've gotten older I've appreciated it more), and I thought our kids should have an older brother, so I thought it was a boy.

When I was pregnant with Kylie, neither Steve or I were ready to have another boy. We wanted a girl, and we were pretty sure we would get one--and we did!

This third pregnancy has been hard because I haven't felt either way about gender. A few months ago when we told Kylie about the baby, we asked her if she wanted a baby brother or a baby sister. Her immediate response was "baby brother". Later she switched to baby sister and since then it's gone back and forth depending on the day. I mention this because it was Kylie's first response that made me stop and think. Was I ready to have a baby boy? Later I watched Kylie play with one of the neighbor boys and realized that I would be okay with it. A brother would be fun for Kylie, and I thought I was ready.
Over the last few days Steve has been telling me that he thinks it is a boy.

Today, we had our 20 week ultra sound.






The result: a perfectly healthy baby GIRL!!!

I think the staff at the hospital was all wondering why we were so mellow and not more excited about everything. We were just so relieved to see that she was okay. We'll celebrate later. That time was just to soak up the realization of another healthy baby. We didn't really care what the gender was (although I really couldn't wait to find out!). We're just so happy that she's growing and healthy.