The grief of sibling love

It's been awhile since I've had a good cry.  I don't often let myself think too much or I still end up in tears, even after nearly 7 years have gone by since Caleb was born.  Every now and then something will happen suddenly and I become overwhelmed with longing for my little boy.  Yesterday was one of those times.  It was simple, really, nothing out of the norm.  Steve and I were putting the girls to bed and Hazel (10 mo) just starting laughing at something silly Kylie (5 1/2 yr) was doing.  Kylie kept doing it and Hazel just laughed and laughed.  I loved seeing the pure delight on both of their faces!  I love it when the older girls give the baby attention because she absolutely loves it.  It is so much fun watching them together!
Later that night it just struck me how much I really have missed that with Caleb.  I can imagine the big brother that he would be -- willing to play board games, or read the same stories over and over to Shaelyn, helping Kylie feel more confident at school and a buddy to plan the next game or fort-building at home, helping get toys for Hazel or make her laugh with his silliness.  The dynamics in our family would certainly be different.  Right now Kylie and Shaelyn are best buds.  They miss each other when Kylie is at school.  Would Caleb and Kylie have been best buds?  Would Shaelyn have been left out?  Would Caleb have been left out as the only boy?  Would all three of them have played well together?  Would he...?  How would...?  What if..?  So many questions and no answers.  Questions that don't really matter because we will never know.  We will go through this life always wondering, but never being allowed the chance to know.

Despite all that, I can't help but mention the love that our Savior has.  I'm sure it wasn't coincidence that yesterday was also my turn to teach the sharing time lesson in Primary for the children at our church.  The lesson was on the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  As I bore a simple testimony of the reality of the Atonement and the truth that Jesus really does understand our pains and sorrows and can comfort us, and that he was willing to suffer because He loves us and wants us to return to be with Him--as I testified of these things the Spirit testified to me of the truthfulness of my own words.  It's true!  He loves us. He suffered for us.  The Spirit reminded me that I really do know these things.  And that's important because it brings me peace.  It makes what seems like unfairness in this world be okay in the end.  It will all be made right somehow.  I may not know how, but I have to trust that it will be.