It's a...

When I was pregnant with Caleb they had a hard time seeing much of anything without amniotic fluid, so we were never sure of the gender, although eventually they did "guess" that it was a boy. All along I had thought it was a boy, anyway. I loved having older brothers (maybe not when I was little, but as I've gotten older I've appreciated it more), and I thought our kids should have an older brother, so I thought it was a boy.

When I was pregnant with Kylie, neither Steve or I were ready to have another boy. We wanted a girl, and we were pretty sure we would get one--and we did!

This third pregnancy has been hard because I haven't felt either way about gender. A few months ago when we told Kylie about the baby, we asked her if she wanted a baby brother or a baby sister. Her immediate response was "baby brother". Later she switched to baby sister and since then it's gone back and forth depending on the day. I mention this because it was Kylie's first response that made me stop and think. Was I ready to have a baby boy? Later I watched Kylie play with one of the neighbor boys and realized that I would be okay with it. A brother would be fun for Kylie, and I thought I was ready.
Over the last few days Steve has been telling me that he thinks it is a boy.

Today, we had our 20 week ultra sound.






The result: a perfectly healthy baby GIRL!!!

I think the staff at the hospital was all wondering why we were so mellow and not more excited about everything. We were just so relieved to see that she was okay. We'll celebrate later. That time was just to soak up the realization of another healthy baby. We didn't really care what the gender was (although I really couldn't wait to find out!). We're just so happy that she's growing and healthy.

20 week ultrasound: Excitement or Dread?

Next week is our big 20 week ultrasound. Am I excited? Of course. I get to SEE the little squirmball that I feel moving and growing inside of me. I get to find out the gender of my baby (as long as said squirmball cooperates). Despite the growing excitement, I have other feelings that aren't as easy to summarize into one word. No, I wouldn't call it dread, maybe just anxiety. Our 20 week ultra sound was the first time that we found out something was wrong during our first pregnancy. We went in with pure excitement and came out empty-hearted and full of questions. Do I think that will happen this time? No, I don't. In fact, we had a first trimester screen that vanquished that fear (or at least should have). Pregnancy is just hard. There are so many emotions and hormones--so many ups and downs. This is just our next hurdle to cross.

What Could Have Been's

After three and a half years I still miss Caleb every day, but I don't mourn his loss like I used to. What I mourn more now are the "what could have been's".

Each day I find joy in watching the new things that my daughter is learning to do or the new phrases that she comes up with. I love it. But yet, it makes me sad. Sad because I don't get to watch Caleb grow up yet, and to see how his personality would differ. I see Kylie interact with other kids, particularly a neighbor boy who is just a month younger than Caleb would have been. Kylie absolutely adores this boy. She loves to do what he's doing and follow him around everywhere. Every time I see them together I can't help but think of how much she would have adored her older brother.

I miss watching Caleb grow up.
I miss watching my kids grow up together.