Mourn with those that mourn

For those of you who were wondering, the crash did come after Caleb's birthday. I was fine on Saturday (his birthday) and fine on Sunday (we were busy with church, visits, and dinner at a friend's house), but come Monday when Kylie and I were home by ourselves with not a whole lot to do, I crashed. Those days still happen every now and then. It's not every day any more like it used to be. Or every Wednesday like it was for awhile. Or every 19th day of the month. But every now and then I get thinking too much and I have a hard day.

On this particular day, I was most grateful for a friend who called because she thought I might need a boost. Her call couldn't have come at a better time. She simply asked how I was doing and I started to cry. I knew she really cared, that she wasn't just asking to hear an automated "good" response or calling because she felt obligated--she really cared. It meant a lot. Not only did she call, but she listened. She simply let me cry (and cried a little with me). It wasn't one of those times where the subject is quickly changed because it's hard to talk about or because they're embarrassed because you're crying. She simply was "willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea and comfort those that stand in need of comfort" (Mosiah 18:9).

Of course, this didn't solve all of my problems. The rest of the day was still really hard for me, but I was buoyed up by a friend, and for that I was and am grateful.

The Big 3

We decided to celebrate Caleb's third birthday with a dinner with a few friends.
We added the two leaves to our table and filled up our living room. We had 10 adults and 5 kids.


I made a couple of fruit displays:


Steve made some amazing bread bowls:


And some DELICIOUS soups!

I made a spinach, cranberry, pecan salad:



Here is the set-up:


And I made a dinosaur cake. It started off a little bumpy, but ended up turning out great!


We ate dinner and cake.

Then we sat around and talked for awhile.
While the kids played in the back.


We also looked through Caleb's books, and everyone went home with a dinosaur.

It really was a nice day. It was something to look forward to, and it turned out great.

Birthday to come

This year we're planning on actually having a birthday party for Caleb's third birthday. Okay, so it's mostly just going to be a birthday dinner with a few friends, but I'm getting excited about it. I've been looking at ideas online and found something that I think will be perfect for the cake!

You can find it at this URL:
http://www.instructables.com/id/3d-Dinosaur-Birthday-Cake/
The link wasn't working, so you'll have to copy and paste.

I also want to make one of those edible floral arrangements as part of the meal. You know where you have different fruits on skewers--cantaloupe, honey dew, strawberries, grapes and the pineapple cut into the shape of a flower.

We'll see how everything turns out!

Saddened joy

Why is it so hard to simply enjoy something that should be a happy occasion? Recently I attended the baptism of a boy whose father passed away about a year ago. The baptism is a very special time for members of our church and the ordinance is often performed by the father. Of course there was a family friend there to perform the ordinance, but it made me think of the sadness behind the joy--that his dad wasn't there for his special occasion.

Of course, at times like these I always think of the opportunities that I am missing with Caleb. I find SO much JOY in watching my daughter each day. To see her facial expressions, to see her soak up knowledge, to realize the little quirks that she has already developed, to see her milestones and new accomplishments...the list could go on and on. I love it! But I'm sad that I haven't got to see Caleb going through these same things, and even more sad that I don't get to see the two of them interact with each other--to watch them grow up together, to see them being best friends one second and enemies the next, to see them learn from each other.

However, it does help me to appreciate my daughter more, especially when I'm running out of patience or we've had a rough day.

"Deliver you out of bondage"

Scripture for the day:
Mosiah 7:33 "But if ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in Him, and serve Him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, He will, according to His own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage."

Now I just need to figure out exactly what these phrases mean...Any thoughts?

Stepping it Up

I started this blog nearly a year ago. I wanted to have a place that honored my son, and that could potentially help others. It was extremely hard emotionally to write "our story". It was like reliving those memories all over again. I only wrote a little and then lost all motivation.

Recently I've been reading comments from other women who have suffered the loss of a child. It has brought me strength to see how they are coping and how they are reaching out to others. So I started working on the blog again with renewed determination. I've made it farther this time, and I'm still going. :)

I also went back and read some of my own journal entries about our experiences mostly in the couple of months after Caleb was born. It was hard--there were a lot of little pains along the way that somehow I had blocked from my memory. But at the same time, I received strength from reading those memories and seeing the strength that I had back then when life was even harder.

I feel like for the past couple of years, I have been kind of in a "woe-is-me" attitude. It's not like I don't recognize that others have trials of their own. I do--I really do. I think that at times I've even more sensitive to those hardships--no matter how big or small they may be. But I think I've just hung onto a lot of pain and grief for too long. Of course it's never going to go away, a piece of my heart was taken that cannot be replaced, but there are some things that I can do to help the healing.

From reading through my journal, I realized that I had been given a Priesthood blessing shortly after Caleb was born that said that as I reach out to others my own heart will heal.

It has been a slow process and will continue to be, but I am determined to try harder. To become more involved. To be more willing to tell people about ALL of my children. To trust in the Lord and allow Him to heal my heart.