What I Miss Most

Our third child was born last week.  She has brought so much joy into our home.  It's helped me to realize (once again) what I miss most about not having Caleb around.  I miss seeing him interact with his sisters.  I'm sure he's watching out for them from up above, but there are times when I really want to have him here to be the big brother for his sisters.  It's still something I think about nearly every day. 

Our second daughter also reminds me more of him than our first daughter did.  She looks more like him.  Today I even noticed (however, faintly) a slight reddish tint to her hair.  Caleb's was kind of a strawberry blonde.  Hers is dark, but with the lighting just right, it looked ever so slightly red. 

Flash Backs

With each milestone that we've hit with this pregnancy, I can't help but think back to my other children and compare similarities and differences.  As I look forward to the birth of our third child, I think back to Caleb's birth story. A pregnant woman already has so many hormones that can effect moods so quickly, add on top of that thinking back to all the emotions that I had when our first son was born...some days I'm just overwhelmed with emotions. 

Yet as I think about it, the emotion that stands above the rest right now is simply gratitude.  I'm so grateful that I can have children, and that I've been able to have the first two naturally (no C-sections). 

I'm so grateful for the time that we had with Caleb.  I got to know him a little bit while he was inside of me, but it was so amazing for him to be able to meet his Daddy, and both of his grandmas.  It was such a precious time for each of us to hold him and enjoy him while he was here. 

I'm grateful for Kylie and the past 2 1/2 years that we've had to raise her, and the hope of many more years to come.  She is such a joy!  She has helped me to realize a lot more what motherhood really means. 

I'm grateful for our next little girl on the way.  I can already tell that she's going to be just as feisty as her big sister.

I'm grateful for a supportive husband who allows me to ride my roller coaster with all of its ups and downs, and to figure out some things for myself.  He is always willing to listen and to offer a hug when needed.  He is also good at toning down some of the crazy emotions and adding a little bit of reason into my emotional thinking.  :)

Above all, I'm grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ and for a loving Heavenly Father.  He has a plan for each of us.  Our Savior has made it possible for all of us to rise from the dead and to be reunited with our families.  I truly look forward to that reunion.  I look forward to introducing Kylie and her sister to their big brother, Caleb. 

What Could Have Been's

After three and a half years I still miss Caleb every day, but I don't mourn his loss like I used to. What I mourn more now are the "what could have been's".

Each day I find joy in watching the new things that my daughter is learning to do or the new phrases that she comes up with. I love it. But yet, it makes me sad. Sad because I don't get to watch Caleb grow up yet, and to see how his personality would differ. I see Kylie interact with other kids, particularly a neighbor boy who is just a month younger than Caleb would have been. Kylie absolutely adores this boy. She loves to do what he's doing and follow him around everywhere. Every time I see them together I can't help but think of how much she would have adored her older brother.

I miss watching Caleb grow up.
I miss watching my kids grow up together.